Only a chair...

Wondering through the corridors of the famed Alderwood Mall, I found myself once again in Brookstone. It seems my childish delight in toys as well as my interest in technology, design and all things newfangled – attract me to this store in some sort of Star Warsian force. Amongst the glowing clocks, shower radios, back scratchers and whirling flashlights crouch the infamous “massage” chairs. My sister and cousin instantly fell in love with these rattling padded cages, and with enough prodding, I was lured into trying them myself.

Sitting in this chair was a very comfortable (and the only comfortable) experience to be had. These chairs, if you have not seen them, range from micro fiber to leather with large curves and a tiny remote. This very remote would prove to be my undoing. I deciphered the disco-like actions by the illustrated character to means certain actions: Legs up, legs down, lean back, lean forward, knead, roll, vibrate, stick your left foot in, stick your left foot out (these last two were somewhat embellished.)

I began my descent. I have never before seen a chair where the leg rest and the backrest move independent of each other. As my back began to be lowered, and I was not seeing or feeling my legs follow, I began stabbing at the buttons as best I could. The backrest stopped. At this point, I am less then gracefully bent backwards with the blood in my stomach frantically trying to decide if they should rush north to my head or south to my toes.

This is where I tried to get my feet to follow – THIS WAS NOT AN EASY TASK. I was suddenly aware of the chair reaching up and grabbing my ankles, I was pinned. I can honestly say at this point that I have not experienced to many chairs reaching back at you. I am not quite sure what kind of fabric is capable of moving on its own, but for whatever reason, this fabric could. At this point, I am really wanting my legs to move in some degree of relative relief for my now tightening back muscles. Success, sort of. My legs began to move, but not only in an upward direction, they were now moving up and OUT. I have seen this position before I belief, often associated with catch words such as “the rack” and “the roller.”

So, lets catch up. I am now in the middle of the Alderwood mall, lying in a chair with my head nearly touching the floor and my legs stretched in the extreme opposite direction. This is where I begin playing with the “modes” of “message.” At this point, my back being arched backwards and my legs being pulled away from, I am suddenly being pulverized by this mysterious fabric. I do not know what I did to offend this chair, but suddenly I am being punched violently, pushed vigorously and slapped frantically at the seemingly same time.

I had had enough. In a stroke of providential fate, my captor released my legs allowing me to flop to the carpet, and flop to freedom. I do not know what pathetic image I must have portrayed, a 240-pound man gasping for air at the base of a leather chair, but I don’t care. My advice regarding these chairs, a solid wooden spoon and sturdy wall will save you a lot of money and possibly – your life.